lost

so my break has consisted of watching seasons 1-3 of LOST. i'm currently on season two, episode 6. that brings my grand total to 30. i love it. i've been hangin out with jack, sawyer, kate and the gang more than I've been hangin out with anyone else.

my plans for the new years are still up in the air. i could go to mk's or i could go to brenham or i could go to austin? that's NOT going to happen. i dunno. i might just spend it watching lost by myself since the parentals will not be here. i dunno, i just don't want to do anything that i shouldn't be doing.

i've been having trouble sleeping in my house. i haven't been able to go to sleep at a decent hour. i've been waking up late in the afternoon because of it. i think i might start taking something to help me sleep. i don't have this problem when i'm in austin; i guess i'm used to my bed there.

i'm starting to get worried about school. whether or not brent hay will give me the money I need to pay for school. if he hasn't emailed me back by the second, I will email him again because I need to pay for this past semester. i know that everything will work out but I need to be trusting that everything will be okay.

"trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal"
isaiah 26:4

i write in paragraphs way to often. i need to get out of that.

holidays

so i starting writing the other day but then stopped because I was getting restless. well now it's christmas eve and i'm watching "live at abbey road" featuring ray lamontange. it's pretty good, just acoustic ray singing "hold you in my arms." well these here days off have been...alright. i haven't been doing much in the days. I've been working out a lot more than I've ever had. Once my parents go back to work and the lowry center opens, i'll be going everyday hopefully. One setback is that I haven't been able to fall asleep before 2 and not wake up before 12. i hate it! i'm just not tired. I don't know what to do! i really hate it. i was tired around 9 but that's too early to go to sleep. i figure i won't head to bed until like 2ish but I have to wake up early tomorrow to open presents.

i'll just give quick updates on different things.

texas city friends: well i've been hangin out with rob and dj and that's been fun. i went to some party with them and apparently ericka o isn't talking to me because i "haven't talked to her in forever and i gossiped about her." don't really have much to say about that. oh well! cotton's, being...well, cotton. all over the place. i've figured out that I don't even need to talk to him when he's with his family. i felt like a huge weirdo when he told me i couldn't go to the wedding. very awkward. and then he didn't even tell me that him and ali were in texas city hanging out.

parents: they've been cool. we'll see what all i get tomorrow for christmas

financial aid: brent hay is being SUPER SKETCH. he hasn't responded to my emails, what the heck?

alone time: well that's been great?! ho yeah!


well i'm having a facebook convo with blair so i'll continue lateski

thoughts and concerns

so i met with brent hay (he's my financial aid officer) and it wasn't that bad. he said that he could get me twice the amount of texas grant and the student loan which is fine. If i need to borrow, oh well. i need to make some educational decisions that will benefit me in the future. i need to trust in the Lord that he will take me places after I graduate college. I know that he will, he's constantly guiding over me and watching me. even when I screw up, He's still got my back. that's what I love about grace. now, I just have to wait for him to email me with all the stuff so I can take care of my tuition loan of 2500. i'll email him on monday if things are still the same...

i'll finish this tomorrow

are you serious

so i clean the house all day, and how does one of my roommates thank me? by buy cotton a very large, glass bottle of expensive chocolate milk.

thanks a ton nolan. when i saw him last, he left. probably to go buy me some chocolate milk. it doesn't matter now though because the only reason that he's doing it is because he feels bad. and i don't even know if he is doing it.

well i have one week left of school. i just need to push through it. i don't have any finals so i guess that's good. I would be completely done on friday if i didn't get declared MIA in MIS. it's ok, i just have to do the business challenge online. hopefully it won't be too hard. but i will officially be done by next wednesday at five. i could still probably go home on friday if I wanted to but I want to stay back and go back to houston on a weekday. well, I have to go and talk to the financial aid office tomorrow to try and get everything sorted out. I need more money and I need a huge loan. i'm running out of money and my tuition hasn't even been paid for. not even half. what the h. I need to be trusting and faithful that God will work everything out. I need to be praying each and everyday that he will catch me like He's done so many times. I plan to really get back in the swing of things when I go home for Christmas break. I want to be in the word everyday and serving everyone anyway I can without any kind of selfishness. hopefully I can get a job so my time won't be wasted on doing stupid stuff like walking around the house aimlessly.

i'm ready for this semester to be OVER and a new semester to start. I'm ready to hopefully get back into younglife. i'm ready for new classes and hopefully a chance to do as well as I planned. i'm ready for SIVA and hopefully qualifying for nationals. it's going to be tough. I can definitely say for certain that we are the best "B" team in siva. we're better than a lot of the first teams. we could possibly beat our first team and maybe texas state's. if we did well enough, we could definitely beat a&m. they aren't that great. i really want to get a great internship this summer that will pay a lot of money. hopefully I can work with tim traister at staubach and make lots of money and get some great experience. I need to be praying that whatever happens, happens. I need to make sure that this summer will be better than the last in that I won't waste it.

it's time for youtubeski.

a lil emergency

is what i needed in my life. and i got it. in the form of an ace enders concert! yes!

so i finally downloaded the pictures from the concert! and it was amazing! i wish i had someone there who i knew that i could've shared the experience with, but sadly, i was holdin' it down by myself like i usually do. oh well!

acoustic = hell yeah! a little ICMAM did my just well. he played timshel

i seriously cannot wait until he comes back. he BETTER NOT come back during spring break because chances are, i will be on a mission trip. oh well

so this is the most awkward photo from the entire night slash my entire life. his wife was having trouble with the camera so i was about to ask her what's up but then it went off so..yeah

well i leave for michigan state tomorrow!! (OMG) yeah, i know. we have a layover in dallas which is going to SUCK for my ears. that means that i have to land a total of FOUR times. dang, if i'm not sick come monday, the Lord is good. i still need prayer because i'm still struggling with stuff i shouldn't be. i haven't gotten accountable for it and i'm still dealing with it. pray that this weekend I could be a light and that i wouldn't stumble with anything whether it'd be drinking or guys probs. i need to be strong and faithful that God will guide me through. i pray that i could get to know some of these guys well this weekend. i pray for opportunities where i could hear what's going on with these kids' lives. i pray for the opportunity to explain why i am the way i am. How Christ has captured my heart and continues to love me even though i'm a huge failure who sucks. for fun, i'll write here each night and let you know how everything went that day. i checked the pools and we are in a pool with MSU-White, Butler and a Earlham College, which i've never heard of. So hopefully we can handle butler and earlham pretty well and hopefully take down michigan state on their OWN turf. whatever, they'll probably be really good. i hope we play as good as we look (we got these SWEET warmups)

well, i need to get ready for practice and tri-delt ranch tonight!

dreamer

so on sunday, a friend of mine asked me to write down my testimony and talk it over with him at lunch on wednesday. to preface why he did this, let me explain. i'm currently on an indefinite hiatus from younglife. I'll still be attending club but I'm free from any responsibility. I need to be free from things in my life right now. if you haven't noticed by now, i got rid of my facebook. i'm free from it. so yeah.

some of my roommates have been sucking lately. and by some i mean one. and by one i mean joe. i thought he would be the last person to be a hypocrite and start hanging out with the guys from the other house. we joke about how they are the "A" team and better christians. ::JOKE:: but now i feel like he's just dropping me/our house and start hanging out and pursuing them more and more. whatever, that's lame. we already have enough problems in this house and that's something that we don't need. i sleep in the same house with these people, i don't live with them. i'm tired of always having to step up and be the one to do something.

testimony time:
so i've never had an experience when all of a sudden, I knew God was there. I feel like most Christians have some mindblowing experience where they just know. me, not so much. i grew up in a catholic home. these are the "easter" christians meaning that they only go to church on holidays like easter and christmas. i knew who God and Jesus were strictly by all the crucifixes everywhere. when I moved to texas city in the third grade, my parents but my step brothers and sister and I into religious education classes. i didn't really learn much in those years up until i got confirmed in the 10th grade. in high school i struggled a lot with pleasing my peers and trying to do anything and everything i could to look cool. people had their own opinions of me just because of the way i talked and acted. i started drinking at a young age with my cousins because we thought it was the cool thing. shortly thereafter, i started smoking weed with my cousins. I never really liked smoking but i did it because my friends did it. one fateful night, i got caught by my entire family for smoking weed that was laced with crystal meth. this was when i was a freshman in high school. it was pretty crazy. i didn't really know what to think because i was so young. i'm glad i got caught because i didn't want to do it anyway. high school was lame for me, i didn't fit in at texas city high school. i would've done a lot better at a westlake or a friendswood type high school. i mostly hung out with my cousins and the few "friends" i had. i mean, who actually has true friends in high school? so junior year rolls around and it's just like any other year. i had just gotten confirmed from the catholic church so i never had any urge or desire to go to church or R.E if i didn't have to. towards the end of junior year, this new church called CrossRoad Covenant Church had started. a lot of people I knew from school had started attending. they would have contests to see who could get the most kids to come to a youth night or whatever. i thought it was lame because everyone at the church was hypocrites because i would see them on the weekends drinking and getting drunk. of course, i wasn't really going to church so it was okay for me. well, i decided to go to a function and it felt really weird, it was a youth group sleepover and all the popular guys from school were there and wasn't really feeling it. they were all lame anyway (including cotton :)) well i went to a sunday service and witnessed something that i had never before seen. people were raising their arms when they were singing songs that sounded like they had just come off of 104 KRBE. this was the first time i had experience worship. it was interesting. well, summer before senior year rolled around and i started to hang out with some of the kids in the youth group. i had worked with some of them so it was kind of a entry way into the group. i meet the youth pastor and his wife who are amazing! i started going to this megachurch that cotton's grandparents started in houston on wednesday nights. this church was crazy ridiculous. they worshiped in a way that i only heard about. they were giving their all every worship service. pretty soon I learned that that's what i needed to do lol. i started to find out more and more about this man named jesus that gave everything for us. i started making changes in my life. i totally stopped drinking and i started to hang out with my youth group. we would have tons of fun and not drink. we would hang out, play poker, watch movies, go on scavenger hunts and have a weekly bible study. i became a leader in Glory which was our youth group on campus. I even spoke on time. senior year was going great until april rolled around. all of a sudden, in just one night, everything changed. cotton dowdy, the perfect child in all of texas city started drinking. at this time, i had started to become close with cotton. so when he started drinking, i began doing it again as well. things took a turn for the worse. my group of friends started to drink and it was being noticed by everyone. people tried to front us out about it but we were so young and stubborn, we didn't stop. well we drank together (alone) that entire summer. a couple of us worked together as lifeguards and that didn't help either. so i went to camp that summer (by myself) my friends were supposed to go with me but they decided not to. they were lame. i had a great experience there with God and knew that I needed to change my ways. i came back, sort of on fire and of course i get sucked into my dumb friends again. just me being not strong. so we end up all leaving for college (austin) and hang out with each other every night and get really drunk every night. i knew coming into college that i wanted to be in BYX and i still wanted to. one night, while wasted, i checked my myspace and noticed that a friend of mine went to a byx party and wrote about it. i asked him everything he knew about it because i really wanted to do it. a guy who went to my church was in byx so i sorta knew him. long story short, i became a byx pledge. we weren't allow to drink so i was kinda happy about that. little by little, i learned what it meant to follow Christ. he started to move in my life through other people. i stopped drinking and i knew that i needed to stop hanging out with my friends who were bad influences. this was when i found out about younglife. i got into a bible study and it was awesome. some of these guys i met here are still my good friends today. freshman year was awesome! i became a younglife leader which meant that i had to stop BYX. it was okay because i knew that that's where i needed to be! I had the opportunity to work at a great Christian camp called camp ozark that summer where i was blown away by amazingness! it was soooo great getting to pour into those kids each and everyday! i had so much fun! i was on the right path, things were going great. I was pursuing the Lord and becoming sooo fulfilled on a daily basis. it was great. that leads me to today. i'm getting tired of typing so this is where i will stop. you know my life well enough to know what happens after that.

thanks for listening, you're awesome
hector

whaaaaaa?

at 12:08 PM on October 22, 2007, i deactivated facebook.

get over it.

we'll see how long it lasts.

i need to be free from stuff.

statues

so i've been obsessed with this song lately. i've been listening to it over and over. i even learned how to play it on the piano. i'm just entranced by how it flows. i love it

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9pKujuTgtL0

so i can't put it on here but I can give you the link.

so I thought i'd post on here (for you BW) because I haven't written in a while. life has been...up and down, I should say. Life itself is going great. I'm playing club volleyball (even though I'm currently not starting setter) and it's going great. I love the team and playing. I'm doing pretty well in school which is encouraging. sorry about that, i got off task by facebooking. well, anyway, back to life. on the other hand, spiritually, i have not been pursuing the Lord at all. I'm settling. pray for that. I haven't read my Bible in one month. i need some encouragement. I love my roommates to death but they don't do a good job in pushing me to pursue the Lord more and more. I don't even know if they are in the Word day in and day out. Ultimately, when this occurs, everything that we need/want in our life will be provided by the Lord. This isn't a one-sided relationship. He wants us to want Him as much as He wants us. I mean, I tell myself everyday what I need to do but end up not doing it.

i need prayer. i need something BIG to happen, soon.

we went to dallas this weekend for TEXAS/ou. here are some fotes...i just noticed that i didn't take any at the game so, knock yourself out

pictures!

so i just learned how to put pictures on my blog. thanks chris jacobie
this is one of my favorite pictures. my friend took this in alabama and it's awesome. let's see how it looks

figured it out

for a couple of weeks there, i had it. i was doing so well. it was really encouraging to be doing so well and knowing that I was actively pursuing the Lord each day. i kinda just lost all of it two days ago. i let my guard down and gave in. into sin. I'm not going to let it ruin my walk. i can't. i shouldn't. i still need to pursue Christ and His people well each and everyday. whether it'd be my own community or people i work with at Westwood. show each and every person God's love, like He showed us.

This year is going to be my best yet, I just know it. I feel like God has big things in store for me this year. I can't wait! I'm excited. I really want to work on being a selfless person. I can't forget that it isn't for my gain, but for the kingdom. Whether it'd be with a younglife kid or one of my friends who just doesn't feel like appreciating what they have in front of them. I want to do things out of the goodness of my heart. not to seek approval for men but by God. I want to actively pursue people who I don't usually pursue. One, John Porter. I've never really had a heart-to-heart with porter. I'd like to. Some others include...

-nolan dean
-marshall rimmer
-craig lauck

those are all of the ones that I can think of off the top of my head. I of course want to start with my roommates, let God use me where I am. I've been learning that lesson all summer, why forget it? I love my new house. It's really nice. I can't wait for everyone to get here. I can't wait for Chad to get here. I will definitely be praying for our relationship this year, I think we'll do great.

listen to my heart - paramore. it will blow you away

twenty, for now.

so nineteen forever is out the window. today is my birthday. all together, good friends good food good family good music equal good times. wish my besties were here to celebrate it with me. i miss them, a lot. i hope they come back soon!

i really wanted an ipod but didn't get one. my grandma gave me $100 but we all know where that is going to go. i need to buy myself something. my mom as well. i really want to give her like a picture of her and I when I was young and put it in a nice picture frame but i haven't been home. I need to talk to my grandma and tell her about it. i wish i was 21! i want a margarita. NOW.

i love it. i love Jesus. He's been pursuing me well this past week. i think i can do it. i'm gonna finish this race. he's great! there is this song i found called "my heart" by paramore. i get the chills when I listen to it. it's everything that i've been crying out to say.

"i am finding out that maybe i was wrong. that i fallen down and i can't do this alone. stay with me, this is what I need. please?

sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to You
we can sing our own but what would it be without You?

I am nothing now, and it's been so long
since i've heard a sound, the sound of my only hope
this time i will be listening

sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to You.
we can sing our own but what would it be without You?

(best part)
this heart it beats, beats for only You
this heart it beats, beats for only You

this heart it beats, beats for only You
my heart is Yours

this heart it beats, beats for only You
my heart is Yours

This heart it beats, beats for only You
my heart is Yours..."

in this diary

Here in this diary,
I write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
and that unspoken feeling
of knowing that right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking
listening to 80's songs;
and quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top's singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
Cherry cokes under this moonlit summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it's time to say, "goodbye."
Get on the bus, it's time to go.

Get it right

poop

i messed up

pray for me.

pray that i find accountability, fast.

sicksville

so i've been pretty sick recently. i got sick on wednesday and have been sick since then. i was in texas city but then came back to austin. that was the worst drive ever because i tried to sweat out my fever but i didn't really have a fever. i ended up making myself extremely dehydrated and my temp went under. oh well.

austin has been...well, austin. i work and i play. that's pretty much it. i guess i'm getting tired of doing the same thing over and over. i need some excitement. i mean, i love my friends and i'm getting really close with some of them which is awesome. i haven't really been pursuing the Lord the way i should be. he's kinda took a backseat to my selfish ways. i hate when i get sick because i only think about myself and what i want.

pray for that.
chad's here. yessssss!

with my bags packed

so right now, like always, i'm on an early november kick. i've been listening to their music, updating my blog to be like them. what the heck. that's how i roll.

i'm in texas city for a couple of days. thought i'd surprise the folks and come down for father's day. i did. and it's been pretty good. hangin out with the fam a lot. and cotton-ish. i'm coming back down in a week for gabby's graduation party. it will be fun. hopefully. a tejano band is playing. ok.

inference is a bad thing. if you have this with your friends, you will start to hate slash not like them. kinda like what i had with cotton. and now i'm starting to have it with chad. i feel like chad doesn't like me. i saw fall out boy for free yesterday courtesy of the invisible children dudes who were amazing and who i miss a lot! they are tight. they gave us (mk and i) free tickets. one of the guys has me hooked and obsessed with jose gonzalez who is an incred musician. it's about to be 2 and i need to wake up early.

don't forget, He deserves all of the glory!

new post

so if you're reading this post, you must be a stalker because i had to change the url. i took the link off of my facebook and changed it. i had a talk with micah and he thinks that there was too much information about my life and that it could ruin my ministry. totally legit, but not a good enough reason why i wasn't asked to go to camp. it's okay, it's not about me at all. get that through your head hector. there was no way that i would delete this blog, there's way to much from long ago. i just wish there were some posts that you could have as public and some as private. livejournal has that feature but not blogger. indb.

well, i'm pretty much by myself this entire week. devin is still on the cruise/in brenham and taylor has soccer camp stuff so he stays at dobie. that just leaves me here on my lonesome which i don't like. i'm more vulnerable to do/look at things that i shouldn't. instead of falling on Jesus, i'm falling right into satan's traps. i guess i'm not doing a good enough job to keep myself accountable. it's scary how i'm slipping more and more. i'm not the strong person i thought i was. the thing is that i know i can do it, i'm letting him get the best of me. i need to man up. c'mon hect. let's go. fall on Him.

pray for that.

nineteen forever

i don't want to grow up. do we have to? i want to be nineteen forever. i'd say this was a pretty good year for me. i turned 19 when i was at camp and it was soo fun.

i'm sitting on my balcony right now just listening to life as it is going on. cars going on lamar, birds churping, hornets buzzing very closely to me (extremely uncomfortable), listening to this ICMAM song on repeat. this is probably the sixth time i've listened to it. this is so peaceful. this summer is kind of in the full swing of things. i don't think it will really feel like summer until june starts. if the entire summer is going to be like this then it's going to suck. i feel like i'm by myself. no one is here for me! i hope and pray that that will change in these coming weeks. i'm on my own and i don't like it. i'd rather be going to school. when i'm by myself is when i'm most vulnerable to do things or look at things that i shouldn't. i need that accountability that i had during the school year when everyone was here. pray for that. i hope summer academy is the place where i can get this accountability.

i'm going to miss this next year. miss being able to come on the balcony and hang out whenever i wanted to. i didn't use it enough. hopefully this summer i will be able to come out here a lot but only if these damn hornets would go away!

i've been reading blue like jazz at work. it took me like a day to read half of it! it's pretty big too. i just want to be sure not to waste this summer, that i use it for something useful in my life. i think i might go downstairs and watch a movie or something. it's getting pretty hot out here. just be sure to pray for me with summer and stuff. don't forget about me!

up and rock bottom

well i went to tc for about a week to hang out with the family and watch the girls play softball. this was probably one of the best times i've had in tc for a really long time. as soon as i got there, i went and watched my cousins beat the #2 ranked team in the state, twice in one night. it was pretty awesome. a lot of my family was there, cheering them on. they don't know it but they are starting to bring my family together more and more by playing softball. they did awesome. jennifer is playing really really good. during the week, i kinda just hung out around the house and tried to find people to hang with. i got to hang with jeremy for a while on saturday evening because he was leaving for camp the next day. it was good to talk to him before he left on this crazy journey. i can tell he was soo excited and when i talked to him on thursday, he sounded like he was having a great time. on friday, the girls were playing in the regional semifinals against livingston. they won 1-0 in the bottom of the eighth when jennifer hit a single over the third baseman's head. crystal alaniz was on third and she came in. jenny had the winning hit! so now they're in the state quarterfinals! they play brenham some time this week, hopefully a series. they're going to need to play a lot better against brenham than they did against livingston. they left 8 runners on base with 9 hits. it was pretty crappy.

besides that, i had a really good time talking with my mom on friday night. i got to share with her some of the stuff that's been going on in my life which is awesome. i think she really appreciated that i was sharing my heart with her. it felt good for me that she could kind of see what i go through and what ive been experience.

i was on such a high coming back to austin, i knew that this summer would go great. as soon as i got home to an empty house knowing that no one would be here until wednesday i kinda just lost all of that. was totally vulnerable to satan's attacks and i gave in. i need to find some accountability with that. pray for me and that this summer will go well and that i can grow in the spirit and in Christ. my first day of work was yesterday and it went really well. better than i thought i would. i'm free in Him! not in what i look at on my computer or whatever. i love God not the world.

whaaaaaaaaaaaa #2

so i went ahead and deleted my last post. some of that stuff was way too personal and i shouldn't post it on here without talking to the person it's directly affecting.

one thing that i did want to bring back was when brett rogers' kids read ephesians 1 and 2 to us. it was one of the most spiritual things i've ever been apart of. being able to see child-like faith up close and personal was awesome. our God is amazing. He can do so great things. the world would probably tell us that a 7 and 9 y.o. couldn't learn and recite scripture. but God can. it was a very humbling experience. there's nothing more amazing than seeing that first-hand. why can't we live more child-like? i'm sure those kids believed everything that they said. the believed that we were dead in our transgressions and that God brought us back to life. we're so caught up with that at such an old age that we can lose sight of that child-like faith. my prayer is that God would reveal that to me on a daily basis. that i could see what He has planned for people right in front of me. that he has a plan for cotton to go to frontier and love on those mac guys. that He has huge plans for matt perry in houston this summer.

pray for my summer. and summer academy!

good

significant progress. God's starting to grant me a piece about what's going on with cotton and chaddy. i know that i can't dwell on it and that i can only be there whenever he needs me. God is sufficient enough for me and I'm definitely starting to feel that. i won't let satan ruin this for anyone. not cotton, chad or me. i prayed the prayer that God would just release me from this and that i wouldn't dwell on badness but that i could encourage relationships that glorify Him!

tonight was amazing putting our hands on matt and praying for and with him about stratford. i just know that he's going to do amazing! what a stud! so excited for him. i'm gonna go upstairs, read my bible for the first time in a while and go to sleep knowing that i made good decisions for the kingdom today!

alone in a crowded room

why do i feel like no one understands me? i hate feeling like this. i want to dance/rock out in the room with someone else, but i find myself doing it alone. being by yourself is awesome until your alone and until you feel alone. what am i supposed to do? i'm such a loner. i wonder if there is someone else right now in the world doing the exact same thing that i am, thinking this exact same idea. this makes me feel even more lonely.

why do i feel soo lonely. jesus, be enough for me. i try and find things/materials/stupid stuff to get me occupied and away from my thoughts. i so want to be by myself because i feel like i have nothing to offer people. why do i feel this way? jesus, take this from me. satan is trying to use this against me, don't let him. at times i don't want people to know anything about me. i took my birthday off of facebook so that no one could throw me a surprise party and so i that i could be mad at myself when no one throws me a surprise party. weird, i know. i feel like the only people who know my birthday are my parents and some of my family. i guess this is just a trick to see who really knows me.

blah i hate this

small enough

why do i have such bad inclusion issues? one small thing that happens makes me feel like i'm not good enough for people. not getting invited to the beauty 101 thing, not being asked to do student staff. i really want to do student staff, i hope for the right reasons. i need to be praying about that. why do i always feel like i'm not good enough, like i'm constantly on the b-team for everything. i feel like the reason i didn't asked to do student staff was because i'm not a "stud" like the others.

"let it all out, get it all out..."
-relient k

pray for that, pray that i wouldn't feel that way in this group of believers. i was trying to find scripture that would help me out with this but i can't. i'll be praying that God can give me a peace about that, that i don't dwell on it. He's enough for me. He's enough for me. i need to remind myself that He is sufficient! praise 'Em.

rescue me

i'm dealing with depression right about now. i've always dealt with it but i'm now starting to realize that it's pretty serious. it's not all the time but it just hits me like a bag of bricks and pulls me down. i need to seek help. what do christians do when they are depressed? i don't feel like i can pray for it because i want to tell someone what's going on wrong inside of me. i don't know how to express how i really feel. one small thing can trigger it. i will start to dwell on things that have happened in the past or the now. i can never let things go. i always forgive but never forget. that's a huge problem i have now.

my parents have gone crazy. there is a lot of negativity in this house. i don't even know what to do/say about my younger brother. he's completely in his own world. he has to be. he's always alone and by himself. i want so much for him to become a man of faith, deep faith. how should i go about helping him? he's only twelve. i don't want him to get involved with the wrong crowd. it's going to take a lot of patience on my part and definitely a lot of grace. pray for that. pray for my parents and my siblings. i wish they could get a small glimpse of what i see on a daily base with people and the way God works through them.

it's 36 degrees here in houston. what the heck? it wasn't this cold during the winter time. it's snowing in north texas. amazing.

"i know you're sorry, i know what you must be going through and i feel sorry for you, but please don't leave me now."
-the early november

it's moments like these

last night i went to TEN's concert in houston at the meridian. hands down, it was the best concert i've ever been to slash will ever go to. they told everyone that they are going to be taking an "indefinite hiatus" after this immediate tour, whatever that means. the seriously made my heart stop beating. these past four years with ten have been amazing. i can't imagine my life without them or their music. i'm glad i went early to be front and center. for the first part of the set, this guy definitely threw me out of place and got in front of me. i was pretty pissed because he effin stole my thunder. in the middle of one of the songs, he did a stage dive which totally opened up the front for me. yessssssssss. i definitely earned it. i was the one who came five hours early to be in front.

i don't know what this means. i know that i will at least be one year at the minimum. two years at the max would be great. i'm making a promise to myself that i will see them the next time they come to texas in all of the major cities (houston, san antonio and dallas). that'd be sweet if they came to austin too. that's why last night's concert was so awesome and amazing. they played a full set and by full set i mean EIGHTEEN songs! they even played sunday drive. it was about half and half with the old stuff and new. i had plenty of opportunities to talk to each and everyone of the band members but i'm way to nervous.

when i walked out of the venue and went to my truck, i kinda just sat there for about 20 minutes thinking about what just occurred. i sat there in the dark with the rain beating down on my truck, reminiscing about all of the great times i'd had with TEN. it was pretty crazy. from the first time i heard open eyes and was immediately obsessed, to this last time i finished the path and loved it. i couldn't sleep last night because it was on my mind. it's gonna take time and me telling myself that it's only temporary. for me, i hope temporary is like a year and a half. just look at incubus. they were gone for almost two years and have come back full fledge. i think this will definitely be good for them. i mean, just look, ace has a family now and i'm pretty sure he wants to have kids. jeff has started another band (grace period). joe, serg and bill seem pretty busy too. oh well, this is going to be good. i need to be positive. maybe that's why they released a three-cd cd because they knew this was going to happen.

TEN, thanks for everything. you've changed my life for the good.
"and through this sea of fingers, i find my own real life."
-the early november - a little more time

sin

he keeps on attacking me in so many different ways. he is slowly attacking my heart and my mind. the worse thing is that i'm starting to fall into those lies.

"for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
ephesians 6:12

never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light. i should know not to put myself in situations where i'm most vulnerable. i'm usually by myself and in the dark. that's when i'm most vulnerable. i need to be strong and take the STAND for Him. i know i can do it.

angels

it's been a while since my last post. i'll try and catch you up.

well, i found a place to live next year with really amazing guys. it's kinda far away from campus but hopefully it will work out. the guys are awesome and cotton is my roomate. we experienced major drama getting it all squared off, it was ridiculous. everything looks to be good though.

my dad has randomly started calling me all of a sudden. he's called me at least five times in the past week and a half. that's more than he's called me in the past 4 years. why this change? i don't want to be up front and ask him why because this isn't a bad thing. it's just weird because it's soo random and all of a sudden. is there something he wants? is there something he wants to tell me? i don't know.

is the next president of the united states going to be an african-american man named barack obama? i feel like he has a shot. he's too leftwing for my liking but it looks as though is the dems but up a good candidate, they should take it. if they put up hiliary and barack, things might not go over so well. i think this country will definitely vote a black man over a woman. i definitely would. i guess i'm excited that he even has a chance of winning. he's doing great thing for minorities everywhere. could you imagine what his parents are thinking right now? coming from an african-american background, the last thing on their minds is that their child could become the first black president. i think it's pretty exciting.

pray for younglife at anderson high school, pray that i can find a job, pray that i can do well in everything i do.

summer

so listening to bebo makes me think of summer and camp. i can remember the road trip that we took in ace to get to mount ida for our very first time. mainly i'm alright.

will i have that same experience this summer? who knows but only God! I mean, if I were to win the lottery or receive a large sum of money I would be good to go.

talk to you lates

high school

so i was listening to incubus today and i can't help but to think about senior year of high school. well, junior and senior year. i can remember when we went to the concert on september 17, 2004 and had the time of our lives. that was the same night that we beat ball high on the very last play. amazing. i love when i can listen to a song and it will automatically take me back to a time and place. pretty much every incubus song makes me think about senior year of hs. driving around with madison and drew and hangin out at madisons. "those were the days..." is what i told myself. i guess they could've been if i would've known what was in store for me.

only one more week until i go back to austin for the second semester of my sophomore year. things are going by soo fast. i'm already half way done with college! i hope i get into the communications school! so i'm definitely feeling next semester as being my 4.0 semester! i want at least 2 in college! i can do it! i think i know how to study and i have to start off really well.

my time here in texas city has been pretty good. besides the fact that i've only seen the people that i see on a daily basis or weekly basis back in austin. oh well. i haven't hung out with anyone down here that i don't hang out with in austin. also, ace is staying here while i make the trip back to austin. my dad is supposedly going to take him to get fixed but no progress has been made with that yet. he better get fixed or i'm buying a new car the second i get a job after college.