nineteen forever

i don't want to grow up. do we have to? i want to be nineteen forever. i'd say this was a pretty good year for me. i turned 19 when i was at camp and it was soo fun.

i'm sitting on my balcony right now just listening to life as it is going on. cars going on lamar, birds churping, hornets buzzing very closely to me (extremely uncomfortable), listening to this ICMAM song on repeat. this is probably the sixth time i've listened to it. this is so peaceful. this summer is kind of in the full swing of things. i don't think it will really feel like summer until june starts. if the entire summer is going to be like this then it's going to suck. i feel like i'm by myself. no one is here for me! i hope and pray that that will change in these coming weeks. i'm on my own and i don't like it. i'd rather be going to school. when i'm by myself is when i'm most vulnerable to do things or look at things that i shouldn't. i need that accountability that i had during the school year when everyone was here. pray for that. i hope summer academy is the place where i can get this accountability.

i'm going to miss this next year. miss being able to come on the balcony and hang out whenever i wanted to. i didn't use it enough. hopefully this summer i will be able to come out here a lot but only if these damn hornets would go away!

i've been reading blue like jazz at work. it took me like a day to read half of it! it's pretty big too. i just want to be sure not to waste this summer, that i use it for something useful in my life. i think i might go downstairs and watch a movie or something. it's getting pretty hot out here. just be sure to pray for me with summer and stuff. don't forget about me!

up and rock bottom

well i went to tc for about a week to hang out with the family and watch the girls play softball. this was probably one of the best times i've had in tc for a really long time. as soon as i got there, i went and watched my cousins beat the #2 ranked team in the state, twice in one night. it was pretty awesome. a lot of my family was there, cheering them on. they don't know it but they are starting to bring my family together more and more by playing softball. they did awesome. jennifer is playing really really good. during the week, i kinda just hung out around the house and tried to find people to hang with. i got to hang with jeremy for a while on saturday evening because he was leaving for camp the next day. it was good to talk to him before he left on this crazy journey. i can tell he was soo excited and when i talked to him on thursday, he sounded like he was having a great time. on friday, the girls were playing in the regional semifinals against livingston. they won 1-0 in the bottom of the eighth when jennifer hit a single over the third baseman's head. crystal alaniz was on third and she came in. jenny had the winning hit! so now they're in the state quarterfinals! they play brenham some time this week, hopefully a series. they're going to need to play a lot better against brenham than they did against livingston. they left 8 runners on base with 9 hits. it was pretty crappy.

besides that, i had a really good time talking with my mom on friday night. i got to share with her some of the stuff that's been going on in my life which is awesome. i think she really appreciated that i was sharing my heart with her. it felt good for me that she could kind of see what i go through and what ive been experience.

i was on such a high coming back to austin, i knew that this summer would go great. as soon as i got home to an empty house knowing that no one would be here until wednesday i kinda just lost all of that. was totally vulnerable to satan's attacks and i gave in. i need to find some accountability with that. pray for me and that this summer will go well and that i can grow in the spirit and in Christ. my first day of work was yesterday and it went really well. better than i thought i would. i'm free in Him! not in what i look at on my computer or whatever. i love God not the world.

whaaaaaaaaaaaa #2

so i went ahead and deleted my last post. some of that stuff was way too personal and i shouldn't post it on here without talking to the person it's directly affecting.

one thing that i did want to bring back was when brett rogers' kids read ephesians 1 and 2 to us. it was one of the most spiritual things i've ever been apart of. being able to see child-like faith up close and personal was awesome. our God is amazing. He can do so great things. the world would probably tell us that a 7 and 9 y.o. couldn't learn and recite scripture. but God can. it was a very humbling experience. there's nothing more amazing than seeing that first-hand. why can't we live more child-like? i'm sure those kids believed everything that they said. the believed that we were dead in our transgressions and that God brought us back to life. we're so caught up with that at such an old age that we can lose sight of that child-like faith. my prayer is that God would reveal that to me on a daily basis. that i could see what He has planned for people right in front of me. that he has a plan for cotton to go to frontier and love on those mac guys. that He has huge plans for matt perry in houston this summer.

pray for my summer. and summer academy!

good

significant progress. God's starting to grant me a piece about what's going on with cotton and chaddy. i know that i can't dwell on it and that i can only be there whenever he needs me. God is sufficient enough for me and I'm definitely starting to feel that. i won't let satan ruin this for anyone. not cotton, chad or me. i prayed the prayer that God would just release me from this and that i wouldn't dwell on badness but that i could encourage relationships that glorify Him!

tonight was amazing putting our hands on matt and praying for and with him about stratford. i just know that he's going to do amazing! what a stud! so excited for him. i'm gonna go upstairs, read my bible for the first time in a while and go to sleep knowing that i made good decisions for the kingdom today!