fall

my favorite season. i wish the leaves in texas would morph into sprawling fields or burnt orange and red like they do in the north. i feel for the trees here. they try their hardest to turn but often fail with the absence of warmer winter weather. every now and then you'll run into a tree that has defied the weather patterns of texas and has changed into a majestic red or bright yellow. i like that tree.

this past weekend i traveled to austin for senior day and the last game at dkr for colt and jordan. what a great five years it has been with those guys. it was a great game and pretty emotional for all the students including myself. i got to catch up with some old friends which was good and I didn't get sick either which owned.

so i've found a couple of other jobs that i'm going to apply for. the job at the county courthouse is probably a no. i just wish someone would call me and say "no, we aren't going to give you a job" in which case, i can argue my case. i just wish someone would give me an interview! i know i would kill it. please be praying for opportunities. i'm just gonna keep applying til I die! ahh! it's like rockin the vote.

i'm excited for thanksgiving and time with family. even though i'm constantly around them. i'm pretty sure that i will end up at the texas-texas a&m game which will be awesome because it will be my first texas/a&m game in CS and my first game attending in college station since sophomore year when i saw them lose to nebraska in the last minute. that'll be good times.

i'm getting tired, until next time.

one year coming.

this will probably be one of the more meaningful posts.

it's been one year. one year since this happened. you can read that post and see what happened. but it's been one year since that went down. i've been thinking about this day for a very long time. i was so scared and anxious a year ago from today. i thought i was going to die. that tuesday morning when i went to the emergency room, i had no idea what was going on with me and neither did the doctors at the hospital. they gave me this long list of things that it could've been. eventually, i would figure it out and i got over it but was never the same. at least for the following months.

from november 18th 2008 up until about the middle of april were the hardest months of my life. these days were filled with anxiety, depression, faithlessness, anger and pain. those days were hard. during that time not only did my blood pressure sky rocket but so did my weight. at my peak i was weighing in right around 250. yep, i was huge. because i could careless about anything I was drinking and eating anything I wanted. on top of that i stopped playing volleyball and that didn't help. i'm not going to lie, it was hard and I was hurtin. I turned into a hypochondriac. trust me, this is not laughing matter. as someone who has gone through and suffered through this, it's real and it sucks. keep that in mind when someone tells you they are one.

eventually, i would pull myself out of this slump. it took a lot of strength and soul searching. a trip to my "happy place" (ozark) helped a lot as well. honestly, i felt loads better during my time at ozark. after ozark, i moved back home and that's where i've been for the past couple of months. nothing would be better than some good news on november 18th 2009, exactly one year to the day that everything started. i can say that I don't weigh anywhere near 250 and my blood pressure is either below or at normal. i've been trying to work out everyday to rid myself of the high blood pressure/cholesterol/anxiety. i have to say that i'm glad that today i'm alive and kicking and praising Him for bringing me out of the darkest times of my life. i won't lie to you, i was pretty angry with God for allowing me to go through this but am trying to wrap my mind around what He wanted to teach/show me. While I'm not perfect by any means, I'm trying my hardest to do what I think he wants me to.

So yeah, that's my one-year rant. Please comment and let me know what you think and how you think I've changed in the past year; for better or for worse. texas fight.

galaxies and such

I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling right now. Things for me aren't going great. I have no job, I have no money, I have no friends (in Texas City) and I have no life. I wake up, work out, watch TV, wait til night, sleep and repeat. If I don't get out of this ridiculous cycle soon, I don't know what's going to happen. I may very well go crazy. I mean, it's like I'm not even here according to my parents. I can't believe they haven't asked me to start paying rent.

What should I do? I really need some wisdom, help, direction in my life right now. Father, I pray for direction. Right now. Let me know that I'm not here by mistake but that you put me here in Texas City for some reason. Is it because I have been able to get closer with kids in Houston for Ozone? Is it to get closer to my family which may or may not be happening? I don't care what it is. I pray for some sort of revelation. Currently, I feel like a zombie because I have no purpose. I have no joy, no excitement, no adventure. I mean, when I was in school my purpose was to go to school. Now, I have no purpose. What am I living for? I've been trying my hardest to spend more time in the Word and more time with the Lord but I fall short constantly. How can I end this lukewarmness about my faith? I need to spend this time digging deep into the word and getting to know the Lord so much better during this time. I tell myself that everyday yet I don't do what I need to do and end up doing things that I don't want to do.

Sorry if this is a lot to handle, I need to vent. I need something good to happen soon or I don't know what I'm going to do. I need joy. Just joy.

Early November

So November has started and I'm loving the weather right now in the Greater Houston area. Not really loving my time here but at least the weather has been great. Few things have happened this past couple of days:

-The Texas volleyball team lost their first and hopefully only game of the season to Iowa State. It was in five games but apparently there were way too many mistakes and errors that cost them the game. Granted ISU was #8 in the nation and they were playing at home but that's not a good excuse. Nebraska went in there today and beat them in three games straight. These girls have better gotten that one loss out of their system and hopefully this will humble them and make them know that everything doesn't come easy. They are going to have to fight for it. That lost their #1 overall seed. They will most likely still by the #2 seed but the highest overall seed would've been good for them

-Texas Football is still undefeated and rockin the DRIVE FOR FIVE! I would give anything for us to beat the hell out of a SEC team for our fifth national championship. I need a job so I can start saving for the trip. I want to go even if I have to go by myself. I could definitely get a senior student to get me a ticket. I would have to pay for airfare, the ticket and stuff while I'm there. Chad said we could stay with his family that lives in the OC. Oh well, I might have to wait off for the MacBook to pay for the trip to LA. I want to go to the Big 12 Championship game which will be fun and I'm sure it won't be too bad of a blow out. I'm sure the team will make it interesting in the first half. I just hope we play Kansas State so we can beat the living snot out of them.

-I put three of my secrets in Post Secret books at a bookstore here in Houston. One of those secrets is one of my biggest secrets. When I wrote it I almost started crying because it felt almost freeing to let it go and to get rid of it. It was something that I always wanted to do because I have read about it. I'm an avid PostSecret reader and I was hoping to find a secret hidden in one of the books but it didn't happen. I'm going to go back in a couple of weeks and see if they are still there.

-Still haven't taken my application to Galveston. I shall do this on Monday afternoon. I'm not going to go work out but wake up, shower, and go turn it in. I hope to have a interview before the end of the week.

That's some things that are on my mind. I'm pretty tired. HS Football playoffs start this week!

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN. NOW.

tonight was so weird I can't even write about it. All I know is that I need to get out of this town. As soon as I can. I'm going crazy and my family is starting to act weird and crazy. I've had enough. I'm beating myself that I spent so much time here last semester knowing that I was going to live here for however long. Seriously, can you please get me out of this lame town? I need to move back to Austin or something. Quick. Before I go insane.

Thanks and please help me.

i mean, i think

i really, really want to live in Dallas. I mean, I think I want to live in Dallas. I'm pretty sure that this is the place where I want to live. I knew that since this summer I thought this where the place that God wanted me to go and wanted me to do work. That kinda lost some of its luster when I found some things out regarding some crazy camp kids but now I'm starting to regain that want and that feeling that I should be in Dallas. I've lived in Houston (texas city) and Austin for a while; I think that Dallas would be a next great thing for me.

I'm so over Texas City. The people here are just, different. Don't get me wrong, I know some amazing people that were born and raised here along side of me but for the most part, some of the residents here are just missing some bolts upstairs. I told myself that I wanted to raise my family here but after seeing it now, I want my kids to be raised in a town that's respectable and safe. Texas City was semi-cool when I grew up here but now, it's ridiculous. I can understand why a lot of my friend's parents are from Texas City but as you see chose to raise their children in nicer parts of Texas (Memorial, Waco, Austin, Highland Park). With that being said, I'm ready to get out of here. I would even move back to Austin right now if I could.

So I'm finally going to spend some time with God. I won't lie to you, it's been a while. I've been making excuses and finding other things to fill up my time even though I don't do anything. I pray now that God heavily convicts me of it and that he would move in this time that I have with him. Like always, Christians who don't come to Him regularly have so much hurt when they don't; and I have hurt. Please pray for this time and time with him at least once a day.

my younger brother

I want yall to meet my younger brother, Austin. Austin was born on May 13, 1994 in Galveston, Texas. I remember walking into the room and my mom was holding him. I was 7 years old but I can definitely still remember. When Austin was a baby, he was one of the cutest babies I'd ever seen. He was very fair skinned and didn't look Mexican at all. He had some of the biggest cheeks ever and looked just like my older sister and Dad. It's cool because I, along with my parents, have seen this baby grow up into a teenager. Right now, he's 15 years old. Traditionally, we've never gotten along. He always favored my other brother Andrew since he was really young. He liked playing video games and I think that's why he always wanted to play/be with Andrew.

At 15, I don't even know this kid; we are so different from each other. He doesn't care about anything. He does very average-to below average in school, he sleeps at all times of the day, he only wears athletic clothes and he's the most apathetic person I've ever met. What I mean by apathetic is that he doesn't care about anything. Seriously, anything. He has no passion for anything. I've figured out that people who are passionate about things are the people that I want to be around. He doesn't really care about school, football, life, church, anything. I know when I was 15 I was very into sports and school. I knew that the only way I would be able to get out of Texas City is if I did well in school. He plays football but could careless whether or not he starts or plays. I've changed a lot in college and if I was him right now, I'd be doing everything I could to get that starting spot. He has the size, he just doesn't have the killer instinct to go out and get what he wants. I don't even think he knows what he wants.

With all that being said, it has definitely been a struggle to love him well since I've moved back home. Sometimes, I want to beat the crap out of him because of the way he talks to me. But then I feel way convicted and do my best to love him. Here's the thing, I hang out with kids who are the same age and in the same grade and they are awesome. I could hang out with my kids from Ozark all day everyday. Him on the other hand, I can't stand living 6 feet from him. What am I to do? This was something that I prayed about but no where near as much or sincere as I needed to.

I need to be in much deeper prayer about this situation. If you are an avid reader of this blog, please encouragement will definitely be appreciated. My goal this week will be to better love and serve him anyway I can. I'll let you know how it ends up.

Texas Fight - we're #2. For now, at least.